Children are incredibly sensitive to the emotional atmosphere around them, especially at the end of the day when they’re most vulnerable. Through a process called emotional transference—sometimes referred to as “bedtime transference” in the context of sleep—kids absorb the emotions and energy of those close to them without a word being spoken.
If you’re feeling anxious, frustrated, or hurried, they pick up on it, which can elevate their stress levels and make it harder for them to relax. Elevated stress hormones like cortisol don’t just affect emotions—they can also suppress melatonin, the hormone responsible for helping them fall asleep. This hormonal imbalance can turn bedtime into a struggle not just emotionally but biologically, making it harder for their bodies to naturally prepare for rest.
When you bring a calm, grounded energy, however, it has a powerful ripple effect. It helps their nervous system settle and sends a clear signal to their body that it’s safe to let go, wind down, and drift into sleep.
The Science of Calm Energy
Research highlights the profound impact of your calmness on your child’s ability to relax. When you’re calm, your body produces fewer stress hormones like cortisol, setting a peaceful tone. This isn’t just internal—cortisol can have what’s known as a “contagious” effect. Studies show that observing someone else’s stress can raise cortisol levels in the observer, meaning your stress could unintentionally trigger a similar physiological response in your child.
The result? Instead of settling down, their stress levels may rise, making it harder for them to relax, regulate their emotions, and produce the melatonin needed for restful sleep.
By maintaining your own calm presence, you’re not just preventing this unintentional transference of stress. You’re actively modeling a sense of safety and emotional regulation, creating the conditions for their body to naturally enter a restful state. Over time, this consistent practice teaches them to regulate their emotions and sleep more easily—a skill that extends far beyond bedtime.
Simple Steps to Cultivate Calm
Becoming a calming presence at bedtime is possible, even on the busiest days. Here are a few simple yet powerful ways to bring calm into the routine:
1. Take a Few Deep Breaths
Before stepping into your child’s room, pause to center yourself. A few slow, deep breaths can calm your mind and body, setting a peaceful tone that they’ll feel immediately. This small practice not only helps you but also prevents your stress hormones from unintentionally influencing theirs.
2. Focus on Connection
Slow down and make bedtime about connecting rather than completing tasks. Make eye contact, hold their hand, and speak in a soft voice. This genuine connection helps to lower their stress levels and increase their sense of safety, signaling their nervous system to relax.
3. Be Present in Your Body
Notice your own physical state. Are you tense? Rushing? Take a moment to relax your muscles, slow your pace, and focus on your breathing. Your relaxed presence will help calm their body and mind, reducing cortisol levels for both of you.
The Long-Term Benefits of Calm Bedtimes
Making a habit of bringing calm into bedtime doesn’t just help your child fall asleep more easily—it builds a sense of trust and safety, nurturing their feelings of security. Over time, they’ll begin to associate bedtime with comfort and connection, laying the foundation for healthy sleep habits.
Because children mirror our emotional states, your calmness becomes a lasting gift. By reducing cortisol in both yourself and your child, you support their emotional resilience, physical well-being, and ability to navigate stress—skills that will serve them well into adulthood.
The Gift of Presence
Being present and calm at bedtime is one of the most impactful ways you can support your child’s sleep and emotional health. As you practice being mindful of your own energy, you may find that bedtime transforms into a time of peaceful connection and restfulness for you both.
The Sleep Kit for Kids includes The Good Sleep Guide for Parents, a book that understands bedtime challenges firsthand. It’s filled with practical, effective strategies to help you embody calmness and gently shift away from patterns of stress and reactivity. This guide empowers you to bring peace and presence to your child’s bedtime, transforming nightly struggles into moments of connection and calm.
References
1. Stress Contagion and Cortisol Transmission
Engert, V., & Pruessner, J. C. (2013). “Contagious Stress: Physiological Covariation Between Mothers and Their Children.” Biological Psychology.
2. Cortisol’s Suppression of Melatonin
Wright, K. P., et al. (2004). “Cortisol Disrupts Sleep-Wake Cycles and Melatonin Regulation.” Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.
3. The Impact of Parental Stress on Child Hormonal Regulation
Seltzer, L. J., et al. (2010). “Stress Reactivity in Parents and Its Effects on Children’s Sleep Patterns.” Journal of Family Psychology.